1 Month

It's been one month since I lost Little Man. One month since I've been pregnant. Time has both creeped by and flown at the same time.  This week we have to go pick up Little Man's ashes....that will be the end of the saga (well....minus the medical bills that I am sure will start rolling in).  I am both happy and dreading it as well. I don't want him to be forgotten. It's not like he was miscarried...we had to chose to end the pregnancy quite far along to prevent any suffering he would sustain after birth. Ugh! I still am soooo angry that we had to make the decision.....a miscarriage would have been less painful!

So, after the procedure, I went home empty. Physically, I felt surprisingly well! The pain from before the procedure was completely gone. I was bleeding, not not heavily. I wasn't nauseous. The rest of the afternoon we hung out on the couch and I napped off and on. Co-workers began sending flower and plants. At the time, this was mentally difficult for me. As appreciative and thankful that I was, I couldn't help but feel like I was being rewarded for ending my pregnancy. Each package that arrived made me burst into tears. I didn't want any gifts...I wanted my baby! I know now that it was mostly hormonal craziness. My pregnancy hormones were crashing at breakneck speed. For about a week, the amazing support everyone around us showed was difficult for me!

I was shocked at everyone's love and support. Not once did we get any disapproval over the decision we made. We were worried that Greg's parents and brothers would not understand, but they did! Everyone told us that it was an awful situation to be put into but that we made the right decision. It was hard to see that for the first few dark weeks. I felt like an evil monster for what I did. We made the decision to end the pregnancy out of love. We chose to hurt and suffer so our little man wouldn't. I can't describe the emotional pain while trying to accept that fact.

I spent the next week trying to get back to some sort of normalcy. Although, all I could do was read stories of couples who made the same choice we did and cry over their stories  Finding other couples who have terminated pregnancies, especially for SMA, made me feel a little less lonely. I can't believe how often medical terminations happen! This needs to be talked about more openly and not shoved under a rug. Terminating for medical reasons is not an evil thing.....its the opposite! We all wanted our babies but didn't want them to suffer! It is the most heartbreaking decision and experience to go through....I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!

About 9 days after the termination, I realized we never heard from the Chaplain about what we wanted to do with the remains. I remember the physician telling me at 2 different times that she would be calling around a week after to discuss the options. Greg remembered getting a paper about it but forgot at the time because he was given the information when the physician came out to tell him the procedure was over and give him the footprints. My mom had told me he completely broke down at that time. I don't blame him for forgetting about the paper. Greg found the paper still in his coat....it said we had to call back within 5 days if we wanted something privately done with the remains! It was now 9 days! We had finally made the decision to have him cremated so he could be home with us and not a miscellaneous baby cremated with all the other termination and stillbirths at the hospital and now it was too late!

I went back to work that following day. I was so upset over not being able to get him cremated that it caused me to regress mentally. That day was so difficult....I kept having near panic attacks! Luckily, I was able to talk myself down from them but they were so exhausting. Having to go into patient rooms and put on a smiling face was torture. I just wanted to scream and cry.

The following Monday Greg called the hospital without me knowing. We could still have the baby cremated! The Chaplain was supposedly on vacation and that is why we didn't hear from her. (I'm not sure I believe that but whatever at this point). Greg was given the number of the cremation place in our area. We went that Thursday to sign papers.

So...next anger inducing experience. Did you know what there is no difference in the price of cremating a 22 week fetus who weighed 1 pound and a 400 pound man?!?! It cost $615 to have our little guy cremated! The amount of remains we will get will fit in a nail polish bottle!! Please tell me that its the same amount of work as it is for a full grown adult!? These people are making bank off our grief!!!! I was sooooooo upset!! Many other states and hospitals that have arrangements that decrease the cost significantly and some even don't charge at all for perinatal and infant deaths!

However....its now in the past. This whole ordeal is almost over. I found a quote from The Little Prince that I love. I was going to use the book as a theme for the baby shower, so it is completely fitting: