On June 30th, life fell apart.....at least it felt like it did. The day started with a 5 am call from work asking if I wanted to stay home as there were enough nurses scheduled for the day. I took this as a sign. Amniocentesis test results were due back at anytime.....and I just had a gut feeling today would be the day. So, I took the offered day off and started obsessively checking my email. Our genetic counselor was going to email me when the results were in so that Greg and I could call back when we were both able to hear the news at the same time.
At 11:30 that morning, the email came in. I immediately broke out in tears. This was it....this was going to determine whether or not we were going to keep the baby we had been growing and loving for the past nearly 6 months. I quickly texted Greg at work. He had a meeting until 12:30 pm and we could call after that. I don't know what I did for that hour...but I know time was standing still. 12:30 came and I dialed the number to conference call the counselor with Greg. She didn't answer.....lunchtime, of course. Greg had another meeting until 2 pm. I literally just laid in bed until that time. Time wouldn't move, my stomach was in knots. At 2 pm, I made the call again. The counselor immediately said the words...."I wish I had better news." I didn't hear anything after that. My vision went black and there was a strange white noise in my ears. Thankfully, Greg was on the phone to be able to continue talking to the counselor. When I could hear again, the counselor said she would be in the office until 5 pm once we made a decision of what we wanted to do. Greg immediately left work and was home within 30 minutes.
We had to decide if we were going to carry the pregnancy to term and play the wait until the baby died game or terminate the pregnancy. At the immediate time, I had no idea what to do. During the wait for the amniocentesis results, we had decided we would terminate if the baby had SMA. However, now that the result was real, the thought of ending the pregnancy sounded cruel! How as a mother can you be expected to make the decision to end a pregnancy that was so wanted?!
Greg and I spent the rest of the afternoon crying and talking in bed. After much discussion and playing devil's advocate, we decided we could not bring a baby into the world just to make him suffer. SMA is such a painful disease without any cure. Even the treatments are extremely painful. A baby cannot comprehend the reason for suffering. We decided we would terminate.
We called back our genetic counselor and she gave us a number of the physician in the hospital that would do the procedure. I called the office just before it closed and was told the physician's nurse practitioner would call us back as soon as she got the message. She never called back that next night....I was going to have to talk to her while at work the next day.
I did not sleep at all that night. I walked in the next day like a zombie. I tried to pretend that everything was normal. However, my co-workers took one look at me and knew the results were back and they weren't good. I went through the motions of work...putting on a smiling face for my patients and trying to cheerfully lie when they asked me about my pregnancy. The NP called me late that morning. I had 2 options to terminate. I could either be induced and have the baby like a normal delivery or I could have a surgical procedure called a D & E (dilation and evacuation). The procedure was only performed on Tuesdays and Wednesdays so I would have to wait a full week before it could be done. Greg and I decided we did not want any future deliveries to be associated with the death of our first child, so we chose to have a D & E.
The rest of that week was a mixture of pain and determination. I was so heartbroken over the chance we had to make but I was determined to enjoy the last time I would have being pregnant with our little boy. Anytime he would kick or move, I would smile and then cry.
The following Tuesday, we arrived for our first appointment. The physician was kind and seemed non-judgmental, so I felt a little better. However, as soon as she walked into the room I burst into tears. We talked about why I was there and she again went over options and what the D & E would entail. I then went into a procedure to have laminaria inserted into my cervix. Laminaria are basically seaweed sticks that help start dilation of the cervix. I wish I had been told to take ibuprofen before going in but the physician numbed my cervix with a lidocaine injection which I think helped. 8 sticks were (painfully) inserted and I was sent home to relax until the next day. Ha....relax. Basically, cramping and contractions started by the afternoon and I was in pain the whole night. I was given a Norco and high dose ibuprofen prescription to help through the day.
My mom came up that afternoon to stay with us for a few days. She brought a big stuffed elephant and an elephant necklace for reminder gifts. It was strange....the only nursery theme I had liked was elephants, but I didn't tell anyone of my plans because we weren't going to decorate a nursery until we moved to a new house next spring. To me, it was a sign that elephants were going to be Little Man's theme.
We spent the afternoon and evening watching TV and relaxing. That night was horrible. I was having nightmares all night. I woke up at 3:00 am in horrible pain. I took the last pain medication I was going to be able to have since I needed to be NPO (no food or drink) before the procedure. We were at the hospital by 6:30 am. I checked in and was taken to pre-op. I was in so much pain at this point. For some reason, the nurse would not start my IV and said I had to wait for the anesthesiologist to do it. It took about 45 minutes, but finally my IV was started (coincidentally, the anesthesiologist was the husband of the pediatric nephrologist I work with) and I was given some Versed to relax.
I was taken to the operating room shortly after. The physician was awesome and held my hand and talked to me until I was put under general anesthesia for the procedure. Next thing I remember was waking up and being rolled back to recovery. Before I even knew I was speaking, I asked the first year resident if the baby felt any pain. She assured me he didn't.....although it did not make me feel any better. Emptiness was the first feeling I noticed. I wasn't in any pain, but I felt empty down to my soul. The was such a heartbreaking sensation. He was gone....I lost a child before I even had one. 21 weeks and 5 days into pregnancy.....gone.
I was in recovery for less than 20 minutes. I felt fine after the anesthesia.....no nausea or pain. I drank a can of ginger ale and a few crackers. Greg and my mom were retrieved from the waiting room. The nurse removed my IV and I went home. It didn't strike me til later how odd that was. After general anesthesia, typically policy states you need to be watched for at least an hour. I saw the nurse for maybe 90 seconds the whole time in recovery. I don't think anyone wanted to be my nurse due to my procedure. The whole time from pre-op to recovery, I wanted to be able to explain WHY I was there. The computer only said second trimester termination. I am sure so much judgment was passed behind the scenes. UGH!!!! No one even bothered to ask me WHY! Come on! I am over 30, married, and work a the hospital where I had the procedure. I am very pro-choice for any reason a woman would have....but I wanted the respect that I was pregnant because I wanted to be and did not have a choice to terminate. How could I have let my baby be born just to suffer?! I wanted to explain to every person there caring for me.
I headed home to face the worst few weeks I have ever experienced.
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